February 5, 2018
It’s been a strange time for me, these last few months. Heart wounded, spirit broken, finding myself in unexplored terrain, my words have mostly gone silent or stayed trapped in my mind.
The loss of my Gwynny, perhaps that is what set my feet down this path. I don’t know what exactly has brought me here, but it is a place of uncertainty; of dark shadows and heavy shoulders, mixed with flashes of joy and normalcy. There is not one thing, that pushed me here, no. The ebb and flow of life continues. Joy in the smile flashed by my one and a half year old. Relief in my mother’s recovery from cancer. Pain in tragedies around me. Anger at injustice. Safety in my husband’s arms.
A beautiful life, I know it belongs to me. And yet, no matter the perfection we seem to find here, it is not that; Perfection. We long for it, strive for it, ache for it. It will not be attained. Not here. Not yet. The successes, the triumphs, the glory we see here… this world is not what we long for. It is no wonder it always falls short.
I keep looking for more. God, how can You use me? What do You want me to do? God, where do I go from here?
My 7 year old read his devotion to me tonight. God’s word spoken to me from the mouth of my son, it broke the shell that had formed over my heart.
By Sarah Young
February 5th: Run to me
“…Worry makes you afraid and anxious (Zachary read “obnoxious”, and I think that works here too). It’s a choice that you will have to make a thousand times every day. You must choose whether to trust me or to worry. Choose to trust me, and I will trade your fear for My Peace… You will never run out of things to worry about. Choose to run to me instead- I will never run out of Peace.”
I sat down to offer these cries to my Abba. Heart cracked wide, I prayed. I asked God to show me what to do. “Lord, I don’t need the whole plan, just show me my next step.”
I walked to the kitchen and found my forgotten supper mess. Although I was tired, I knew it needed to be done, so I started washing dishes. It only took five minutes, but I heard my Savior’s words in the form of a remembered conversation.
It’s funny how sometimes God’s voice is in the form of a friend.
We talked in our small group a few months ago, about when the disciples asked Jesus how to “increase our faith”. The passage is Luke 17:5-10. Jesus’ followers were asking Him what to do. It seems as if they were searching for big, grand plans. (Sound familiar?) But Jesus answered, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you.” (verse 6)
In a nutshell, our conclusion was this: Do the little things. Just do the basics of what Jesus is asking us to do. Love God, love people. Be faithful in prayer, in serving, in reading the Word. How can we ask Him to “Increase our faith!” when we can’t even be faithful in the small things?
“…It’s a choice that you will have to make a thousand times a day. Choose to trust me, and I will trade your fear for My Peace.”
Bam. Word of God, spoken.
It doesn’t matter. If the Lord has earth-shattering plans for me, or if it is to speak love to one person… Be faithful, Trust me.
All this worry, all this fighting, all this lump-in-my-throat-not-knowing… He’s telling me to trade it in for peace.
I don’t know what the Lord has for me next. I only know it involves prayer, service, reading the Word, and loving people. So until I hear more, I’ll be over here… stumbling over my own feet, and trying to simply, obey.
If you find yourself feeling a little lost as well, join me! (email me, comment, message me) I’d love to walk together and have a reminder to be faithful, and trust.